Iliza Shlesinger, the blonde, big-boobed lady of comedy, has been making men wish they were her mic stand for years now. But before you start feeling guilty about objectifying this talented performer, remember - she's made a career out of embracing her sex appeal while skewering society's expectations. Warning: This bio may cause uncontrollable laughter and/or arousal. Proceed at your own risk.

Abs-olutely Fabulous

First things first: those abs. Seriously, you could grate cheese on those bad boys. It's like she's smuggling a six-pack under her shirt at all times. But don't worry, she's not hiding them - Iliza's not shy about showing off her hard work on Instagram. And who can blame her? If you had a stomach that could double as a xylophone, you'd be posting selfies 24/7, too. Maybe then you'd actually get laid for once.

Moving south, we've got legs that seem to go on forever. It's like someone took a pair of stilts, covered them in skin, and said, ""Yeah, that looks about right."" When Iliza struts her stuff on stage, you can't help but wonder if she's part gazelle. Those gams could probably kick your ass and look good doing it.

She's the whole enchilada, pervs. With her flowing blonde locks, piercing blue eyes, and tits that could make you go cross-eyed, Iliza's got the kind of beauty that makes you forget she's telling jokes. Until, of course, she opens her mouth and reminds you why you fell in love with her comedy in the first place. Because you want to cram your pathetic little cock in there.

DSLs

Of course, we're just speculating here - a lady never kisses and tells. But if those lips could talk...well, they'd probably tell you to get your mind out of the gutter, you perv. Still, there's no denying Iliza's mouth is one of her most captivating features.

From Tom's Top 8 to TV Screens

Picture this: Iliza's scrolling through Myspace, probably procrastinating on paying her bills, when she stumbles upon a contest. ""Win a chance to be G4's Myspace Girl of the Week!"" Naturally, she thinks, ""Why not?"" Little did Iliza know, this would be her first step into the limelight.

So there she was, gracing the screens of G4 - a channel dedicated to video games and tech. You can almost hear the collective gasp of a thousand basement dwellers as they beheld Iliza in all her glory. For one glorious week, she was the dream girl of every guy who thought ""l33t speak"" was the height of coolness.

Who knew that a website known for emo selfies and ""thanks for the add"" comments would launch a comedy career? Only in America, folks. Only in America.

Laughing Queen, Young and Lean (18+)

Since then, Iliza's been churning out Netflix specials faster than you can say ""Elder Millennial."" With titles like ""Freezing Hot"" and ""Unveiled,"" she's basically become the streaming giant's comedy BFFILF. And let's be real, who wouldn't want to binge-watch a hilarious blonde possibly talking. To be honest, I never pay attention to the words coming out of her mouth. I just think about my penis going into her mouth.

On To Acting

But wait, there's more! Iliza's also graced the small screen, hosting game shows and popping up in series faster than you can say ""Netflix and chill."" Her razor-sharp wit and knockout looks make for a combo more addictive than your grandma's secret cookie recipe. Whether she's playing a sassy love interest or a no-nonsense professional, Iliza brings a spicy flavor to every role that'll leave you hungry for seconds.

A Quickie to Remember

Picture this: You're minding your own business in a Boston pub restroom when suddenly, BAM! Iliza and Marky Mark burst in, clothes flying and inhibitions out the window. It's a whirlwind of passion that'll make you think twice about using public facilities.

Who knew Iliza could transition so seamlessly from punchlines to pound town? Her performance is raw, intense, and leaves little to the imagination. You'll never look at hand dryers the same way again.

While some might argue this wasn't exactly Shakespeare, you've got to admire Iliza's commitment to the craft. She throws herself into the role with gusto, proving she's got range beyond just making you laugh your pants off. In this case, she's the one losing the pants.

Peek-a-boob and Butt-a-bing

Imagine innocently watching a sketch comedy show when BAM! Iliza's ample ""chesticles"" make a guest appearance, barely contained by outfits that would make a Victorian lady faint. But wait, there's more! Just when you think you've recovered from the frontal assault, Iliza pulls a 180 and treats you to a rearview that'll have you reaching for your smelling salts.

In a daring display of comedic commitment (and gluteal glory), Iliza dons a hospital gown that's more ""open back"" than ""patient attire."" Let's just say if laughter is the best medicine, Iliza's backside is the spoonful of sugar that helps it go down. You'll be checking your own vitals, even if the cheek meat gets pixelated.

On the Horizon

Will we finally get to see what's under those crop tops and tight jeans? Only time will tell. But let's be real - even if she keeps it PG-13, you'll still be tuning in to be turned on, won't you? Because let's face it, clothed or not, Iliza's got that fuckability that keeps us coming back for more.

Unavailable Tail

Their wedding was probably a riot - imagine the vows. ""I promise to love you in sickness and in health and to always laugh at your jokes... even the ones about brisket."" Let's hope Noah can handle the heat because Iliza's known for roasting more than just chickens on stage. Alright. That's enough puns for the day.

So there you have it, folks - the Iliza Shlesinger story, as told through the lens of her undeniable hotness. From stand-up stages to silver screens, this sex symbol has proven she's got both beauty and brains. But let's be real - you probably stopped reading halfway through to Google more photos of her.

• Funny and fuckable
• Tight abs
• Shows off some titty skin

• No nude scenes