Even if this is your first time hearing about Muf, it’s pretty obvious from their website that they’ve been around for a while. I’m not just talking about the polished, professional presentation or the extensive catalog of adult goods they’re hawking, but the domain itself. Three-letter dot coms haven’t been available for decades, but these guys have been around since the earliest of aughts. Longevity counts for a lot on a fickle internet, but as we’ll see, these guys ain’t thriving on legacy alone.

Muf.com, formerly known as Melrose Urban Female, is an online boutique sex shop catering to men, women and couples. Their main gimmick, if you want to call it that, is truly premium adult toys, the stuff that would be on the top shelf of your local porn store if they even carried products of this quality. Just perusing the website made me feel like a bum for busting a nut into a crusty old gym sock this morning, so let’s see what they’ve got available to upgrade my future fap sessions.

Premium Goods for Boutique Sex Toy Shoppers

“First of all, we are not a mega store,” they write, going on to describe Muf.com as a “boutique” store inspired by a Sex in the City attitude toward sex. The late ‘90s reference kind of gives away the store’s vintage, but still holds true, as do promises to hook their customers up. “If you are looking for something we do not have, please do not be shy. Ask, and you shall receive 99% of the time.”

The row of Featured Products on the front page as I type this up reflects that “boutique” qualification. They’re colorful, futuristic and beautifully designed, but they sure as hell ain’t the cheapest vibrators I’ve seen on the market lately. Muf does focus on some of the nicer toys out there, and the prices reflect that, but they’ve still got plenty of products for masturbators and sex-havers on a budget. They’ve got both dildos and pocket pussies starting at under $15. If you’re looking to spend more on something fancier, you can definitely do that, too!

In either case, they offer free, discreet shipping. You’ve got to spend at least $50 to qualify, but that won’t be a problem for most orders. It’s not necessarily Amazon fast, but they process and ship everything the same day if you get you order in before 2 PM Eastern. Smaller shops seem to be kind of hit or miss in this respect, and I really appreciate that it’s not an upcharge just to get your package out in a timely manner.

What Kind of Fake Dick You Looking For?

Since Muf began as an all-female company, Melrose Urban Female, I decided to check out their girly toys first. I ran into a little glitch where I couldn’t pull up the full list of vibrators in every category, but given the massive selection, perhaps it’s easier to peruse the type you’re most interested in. That includes 80 air pressure and suction vibes, 62 thrusting vibrators, 33 dual penetrating toys, and no fewer than 263 buzzing clitoral stimulators. They’ve got 19 different subcategories of vibrators alone, including Finger Vibrators, Luxury Vibrators, App Controlled and Remotes Vibes, and a lot more.

The spread of dildos is similarly varied, with aisles of glass dicks, harness-compatible shlongs, realistic fake cocks, packers and non-phallic dildos. One of the best-selling units under the Large Dildo category is big, veiny number with a syringe for squirting the included Nut Butter all over your own face or your partner’s. It’s only $76 and comes in an assortment of colors, so you can build yourself a little rainbow of ejaculating penii. Perhaps some food coloring is in order for the sperm, huh?

Muf.com also has a Women section separate from their selections of simulated hogs, where you can find hundreds of oral sex toys, clitoral pumps, nipple arousers, Kegel balls and more. I was excited to find a subsection of Pheromones and Attractants, but they didn’t have anything in stock during my visit. I’m still not 100% sold on the concept, though I feel like I need to do more personal experiments. I’ll have to watch that shelf.

A Variety of Tight, Fleshy, Synthetic Holes

Sometimes dildo shops leave the dudes hanging, but there are currently around 500 products at Muf.com aimed at the gentlemen in the audience, not to mention the depraved perverts. The first page of their male-oriented Best Sellers right now consists almost entirely of penis extenders, along with a $45 beginner’s strap-on, which I think says a lot about the demographics shopping here.

I’m always looking for things to stick my dick into, so I next made my way to their selection of over 200 Masturbation Devices for men. Electronic doodads have really been coming down in price lately, and I was pleased to find some really affordable ones along with the high-end dick strokers I expected. They’ve got buzzing fake cooters starting at $36, or you can spend a good four hundo on what might be the most futuristic automated blowjob machine I’ve ever seen. The VeDO Hummer 2.0 is capable of speeds of “180 suction impulses per minute.” I’m not even sure my thirstiest guests at PornDudeCasting can suck like that.

And For the Home Dungeon

Muf’s got a great selection of bondage gear, too, but I almost didn’t see it because my window wasn’t wide enough, hiding the header link. Whether you’re looking to do some Fifty Shades roleplaying or something even harder, they’ve got you covered. Literally in some cases, as they’ve got a ton of soft, comfortable blindfolds. You wouldn’t want to hurt your lover’s delicate face as you’re beating his balls with a rubber flogger, tightening his nipple clamps and shoving a cold metal plug up his poop chute.

Muf.com prides itself on being more than just a sex toy superstore, but that doesn’t mean a poor selection of overpriced synthetic sausage. Their curated toybox is chock full of some of the nicest adult products you’ll find anywhere in the world, with enough variety to cater to damn near anything you freaky folks are doing when nobody else is watching. If you’re looking for something better than the off-brand, potentially toxic fake dicks and pocket pussies they sell elsewhere, this is the place. Don’t let the “boutique” status scare you—they’ve got toys for all budgets!

• Boutique sex toy shop
• High end, curated collection
• Dildos and strokers starting at under $15
• Free, discreet shipping
• Thousands of products for men, women and couples

• Prices reflect the quality of the goods